


Easier Signs

by NervousAsexual



Series: The Right Man in the Wrong Place [2]
Category: Half-Life
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Whump, to some degree
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2019-12-01
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:20:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21632068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NervousAsexual/pseuds/NervousAsexual
Summary: He gave Gordon the biggest head start he could. Now Barney can only pray they can both make it back to the lab, and that Gordon, at least, will arrive unscathed.
Relationships: Barney Calhoun/Gordon Freeman
Series: The Right Man in the Wrong Place [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1559494
Comments: 7
Kudos: 146





	Easier Signs

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on [this piece here](https://www.deviantart.com/vypress/art/Traitor-70394797) by Vypress on DeviantArt.

I don't think I even expected him to make it to Kleiner's lab. How would he? I just sent him out the back way with no directions and no help at all. He didn't even have so much as that crowbar to defend himself with. If CP didn't get him, I figured, he'd disappear back to wherever he'd been for the last twenty years. Got so worked up over it that by the time I got to the lab myself I was sure everything would be in flames, my friends would all be dead, I'd be alone...

But when I opened the front of the vending machine there he was, watching with those eyes that never seemed to miss anything while Kleiner typed away at that gigantic computer setup of his, and my legs just about went out from under me at the sight of him. He didn't look too worse for wear. And now I saw Alyx was there, having a friendly argument with Kleiner over something or other. She must have found him wandering around and got him here. I wasn't in the business of thanking god for things, but if I were I'd have done it.

Hadn't realized how much of what was keeping me together up to that point was worry. I saw he was safe and suddenly I barely had the energy to stand. About the only thing that kept me from dropping right there in the door was the sight of Gordon glancing up, then doing a double-take. His face just lit up when he saw me, and this smile crossed his face like he'd just solved all of our problems. Keep it together, I told myself. "Man, Gordon, you stirred up the hive." I was honestly surprised I had any voice left at all. Didn't matter. I wanted to see what the Combine was up to. It took all my focus but I managed to hobble over to the monitor setup in the corner without my knees shaking too bad.

"Barney!" Alyx looked over and she got this grin on her face. "Don't worry. He's coming with me."

I pulled up the Combine feed on the monitors. The Citadel was all lit up like a flare. Scared the hell out of me. After a moment I turned around so I didn't have to look at it, and Gordon was still smiling at me from across the room.

"We're inaugurating the teleport with a double transmission," Kleiner said. "Once Alyx and Gordon arrive at Black Mesa East..."

He kept talking but, I realized, I couldn't understand a damn thing he was saying. Sounded like he was underwater. I looked at Alyx and then back at Gordon, and they both had their attention turned to Kleiner, so that's what I did. He was probably talking science, anyway. Wasn't like I understood what he said half the time anyway.

My heart felt like it was trying to catch up on all those years of beating normally, pounding in my ears and in my neck and making the rest of me feel all-over rubbery. At some point I reached up to rub that sore spot on the back of my neck and saw my hands were shaking. Nothing to be worried about, I told myself. He made it this far without getting hurt. Hadn't he?

Seemed to take all my effort to turn my head, but I looked over at Gordon and little bits that had been blurry before started to take shape. He had a big purple bruise rising on his temple. There was a scrape on his ear that was bleeding a little. When he reached up to scratch at that scruff of his I could see the palms of his hands were scuffed and bloody too.

The anxiety hit back with a vengeance--I shouldn't have let him go alone, I should have given him a better idea how to get here, I should have asked Kleiner to send someone to meet him outside the train station--and I wanted to cry, thinking of the grit and dirt in his hands that could have been avoided. Yeah, he was a big hero, but he'd had the HEV suit back then. Now he wasn't any better armed than any other civilian.

"Doc," I said, and I could just make out my own voice through the blood pounding in my head, "since he's not taking the streets you might as well get him out of his civvies."

Kleiner nodded and said something, who knew what, and Gordon gave me this sideways curious look, the same look he'd had all those years ago in Black Mesa. Without meaning to I thought of those last few days in the facility, him getting dragged away by grunts. I'd failed him then and I'd failed him now. I would have felt guilty if I hadn't been too busy feeling sick to my stomach.

Don't throw up, I told myself. Don't throw up, don't throw up, don't...

I didn't throw up, just spit up a little. Wiped it on the back of my glove. Nobody had to know.

"I'll let you do the honors," Kleiner said, the clearest thing he'd said since I'd got there.

Were we still talking about the HEV suit? I could do that. I could get him into his HEV suit. I turned around--too fast, thought I was going to be sick for a moment--started to take my first step toward the closet where they stored the suit, and suddenly the floor was rushing up to meet me.

I'm not sure but I think I blacked out for a moment, because the next thing I remember I was laying on my back on the floor and all three of them were crouched over me, looking worried.

"Hey, cheer up," I said. Gave them as big a smile as I could manage, which wasn't much. "Just making sure gravity's still working."

Alyx gave this nervous laugh like she wasn't sure if she should, and Kleiner frowned--his sense of humor never had extended far beyond puns. But Gordon was looking at me with those big sad eyes. I started to tell him to stop worrying, I was fine, but before I could he slid his fingers under my chin and lifted it up.

My first thought was to struggle, but the skin on skin contact threw me for a loop again. His hands were cold, freezing, but I didn't do anything as he tilted my chin up and pulled my collar down. He looked at that contact burn and then he looked at me with this expression so sad I could have cried. For a moment nobody spoke.

What was I supposed to say? Was I supposed to tell him how before the metrocops busted the door to that interrogation room down I hit my head against the concrete wall, that that was my cover story, that I'd claim he'd gotten the jump on me and that was why he'd gotten away? Was I supposed to say in front of all of them, even Kleiner, even Alyx, that when they grabbed my arms and shoved me down on my knees I hadn't struggled? Was I supposed to tell them how the one in charge told me he'd make sure I was stalkermeat if I didn't tell them the truth? How I pleaded, yes, pleaded that I didn't know where he'd gone, which wasn't even a lie, I had no way of knowing, how one of the metrocops behind me grabbed a handful of my hair and dragged my head back and the one in charge flicked his stun stick on and stabbed it into my throat? Was I supposed to make up a story or tell him the truth--that I had no memory of what happened after that, not until I woke up alone on the floor of that interrogation room in my own sick and urine.

Gordon let me go and he signed my name and his expression was so devastated that the tears welled up, tears I'd managed not to shed the whole way here.

Kleiner got up and moved away and he and Alyx stayed. Alyx said something but I was past the point of understanding words spoken out loud, even when she repeated it, even with her face right next to mine.

Gordon, though, didn't move much. He put a hand on my forehead and brushed back my hair. With the sleeve of his shirt he wiped the tears off my face.

It wasn't fair. What gave him the right to treat me like a human being, when for years I had been nothing?

*I'm sorry.* He looked at me while he signed it.

"No worries," I tried to say, and I was well aware of the shaking in my voice. "Wasn't your fault."

Kleiner came back with this tube of ointment that he smeared all over my neck and Alyx said something again, but I didn't have the heart to tell her I didn't understand. I looked over at Gordon. Maybe he could translate a little if he kept the signs simple enough for a dummy like me to understand. But he didn't sign at all, just kept looking at me with those sad eyes.

"We're wasting time," I told him. "Come on, we gotta get you in that hazmat suit." I tried to pick myself up on, at least get my elbows under me, but this panicked look popped up on his face and he stuck out both hands like he was going to push me back down. He didn't need to. My arms were still all rubbery and they slid right back out from under me.

*You.* At least that was an easy sign. *Stay.*

No chance of that. I'd almost blown my cover earlier. I couldn't afford to spend much time out of the Combine's view. "I gotta get back to my shift."

"Certainly not," Kleiner said, suddenly making sense, and when I turned he was right there by my face. "Am I to assume that's a stun baton wound? You're lucky enough it didn't kill you outright."

"I've had worse than this." That wasn't a lie. At least I'd been able to walk away from this one.

Gordon shook his head. *You,* he signed. *Hurt.* Before I could answer he stuck his cold cold fingers down my collar and put his fingers against the pulse point in my neck. His eyes went wide. *Your heart.* He looked over at Kleiner and made some sign I didn't know, some handshape across his chest coming down into a fist he pounded into a flat hand and then a c-shape that flicked down in front of his face. Kleiner stuck his fingers down the collar, and his hands were cold and clammy both.

"Ah," he said. "See? Arrhythmia. You're staying here until we clear that up."

"I can't. CP..."

"Don't worry," Alyx said. "We'll kick their asses for you, right, Gordon?"

This wasn't right. I couldn't lose my place in CP, not when we were so close, not when the resistance really needed someone on the inside. I couldn't make Gordon do it all on his own. Not this time. Not again.

*I know you hurt,* Gordon signed. *Stay with him.* He pointed at Kleiner. *Please. Don't want...* He shook his head and frowned. *Can't lose you.*

I didn't stand a chance at that. He was so earnest and so sweet and he took my hand and squeezed it even though I still could barely feel it, and I cried. God, I cried and cried and he held my hand and didn't look away, and then he leaned down and his arms were around me and if I'd had the energy I would have had my arms around him.

Kleiner was right. I knew that. I'd seen people die in one hit from stunsticks and they'd hit me in such an unprotected spot that I should have died. Maybe I still would. If Gordon let go of me maybe I would feel that fluttering of my heart and I wouldn't have the strength to keep going. And as bad as I felt and had felt for more than twenty years... I really didn't want to die.

It felt like forever that we lay there, but Kleiner said, "Then it's decided. Barney will stay here, and Alyx and Gordon will teleport through. Here, Gordon, let's move him over here."

Suddenly the weight of him was gone and I cried my eyes out. Couldn't believe how much being alone again hurt. Even though he hadn't gone far, even though he was near enough to touch, it hurt. He was right there looking down at me. *You walk?* he asked. I tried to get up for him but I didn't have the strength to do that, not anymore. *Wait. I have you.*

He picked me up like it was nothing and Kleiner told him to move me over there, on the mattress under the loft. He signed something to Kleiner and Alyx and they went through that sliding wall to where the teleport was.

"I can't stay," I said. "Gordon, I have to get back. Please."

He put a finger to his lips and he lay down on the floor beside the mattress. *Stay,* he signed again.

I was so weak it was pathetic. I could barely move. I was failing him. I was failing everyone.

*Rest.*

Was I crying? I must have been but I was so disoriented it was hard to tell.

*Can I kiss you?*

"God, please."

He moved closer, a bit at a time, until he was right there beside me, near enough that I could feel the gentle puff of his breath on my skin. One hand came up to cup the back of my head and he kissed me so, so gently on the cheek. He was there. He was right there with me. He didn't pull back, just turned his head enough that his lips brushed mine.

There weren't any fireworks. Neither of us tried to make the kiss any deeper. He pulled back for a moment and our eyes met--his eyes were green and bright and worried--and then he kissed me again.

The second time I closed my eyes and tried to convince myself I didn't love him, that I hadn't loved him in one form or another for decades, that this was not something I needed so bad it made my teeth ache.

It was. God, it was.

For a minute there it quieted that clammer of anxiety always going in my brain. Wanting him here when he should be out with Alyx, saving the world, felt selfish, but I did want it. I wanted a heck of a lot. I wanted a hot bath to wash off what I hadn't been able to clean, something warm to eat and I wanted to sleep and I wanted him so, so much.

When he leaned back he didn't lean far. I was so tired I could barely open my eyes but he was there, looking. He stroked the back of my head and ran his hand down to my neck. Our foreheads bumped a little.

Then he pulled back and I was alone again. *Rest,* he signed. I didn't have the energy to argue.

I watched him as long as I could keep my eyes open, as he disappeared into the closet and came back out in that orange and black suit I had almost forgotten. For a moment I forgot where I was and the two of us were back in Black Mesa and nothing had gone up in smoke yet and my biggest worry was getting locked out of Area 3 and having enough left over on Friday for a beer. I wanted to be back there so badly, and I'd thought after all these years of numbing myself I was done wanting but he'd brought all that back and I wasn't sure I could do it again.

Tears started up in my eyes and I'd been so long without water that they burned. I closed my eyes to clear them and when I opened them there he was, kneeling beside me.

I tried to give him a smile and he smiled too. He had this blanket in his arms, this big ratty blanket, and when he laid it over top of me it felt like him. He put his hands across his chest, signing, saying *Rest,* and then he folded his fingers into his hands. Another sign. One I knew.

I hurt, and I wanted, and I said, "I love you too."


End file.
